Time will tell if you can figure this and work it out No one's waiting for you anyway so don't be stressed now Even if it's something that you've had your eye on, it is what it is.
I suppose this magical composition by Blood Orange is one of the few things I can find solace it. Its lyrics give me comfort even though I hardly heed them.
It's honestly painful to keep on living, dragged on by obligation, duty and responsibility. I feel like I am standing on a precipice, ever-ready to free-fall and let the currents take me and rip my body to shreds. In some ways, it's so much easier that way. You're finally cut loose from all the bullshit and skullduggery that ties you down. Best of all, it'll be the ultimate 'FUCK YOU' to my mother - emblazoned in red if I choose to let rivers of crimson flow from my wrists, or enveloped by the stench of decay if she sees my body in a black zip-up bag.
But I am a coward, I doubt I'll ever do it.
Seeing the counsellor today made me realise my happiness in this world is a superficial one, one that is triggered by titillations and silly happenings that distract me for a fleeting moment. My toxic nuclear family is busy plying the ball, playing weird psychosocial games and acting normal when we are far from it. I suppose we do love each other in this twisted way that oscillates between a sorry excuse for fondness and cold-hard hatred.
We are a trio of hypocrites, cut-throats and hypersensitive idiots. It'd be nice for someone to truly love me and free me from this 21st Century dungeon.
But this is reality, where Prince Charmings on white horses don't exist. I'd probably have to claw my way out from the pits of hell for my liberty.
Just, fuck it all.
No comments:
Post a Comment