7 Things I've Learned at Work

It's been 7 days since my job (at a yet-to-be-named government firm) ended, and I thought it would nice to be share what I have learned during this perilous and often unpleasant journey.

1. It is impossible to be your 'true self' in the office.

When I first read 'Great Expectations' by Charles Dickens, I initially found the character of Wemmick highly comical and unrealistic. He was someone who acted like a stone-cold bitch at work, and only showed his inner Mother Theresa within the privacy of his own quarters. Wemmick's explanation to Pip (the protagonist of the novel) regarding his unorthodox behaviour was that it was his means of survival. After 3 months of work at that sordid office, I can't agree more with dearest Wemmick.

How you act in the office is basically a projection of how you want your superiors to view you. Unlike Wemmick however, you are nicer than usual, more accommodating, less irritable and the list goes on and on. You are essentially as perfect as you can portray yourself to be.

(In the defence of Wemmick, he had to deal with many criminals and obviously couldn't be kind and compassionate while performing illegal duties.)

Take myself for example. If you are someone close to me, you know that the real me swears like a sailor and speaks candidly about most things. That 'version' of me does not exist within the confines of an office. It has been replaced by an odd doppelgänger who at most says "shit" instead of "fuck", is largely diplomatic and polite to a fault. Friends would laugh upon seeing this version of me. What am I to supposed to do when vulgarity is often assumed to be a mark of incompetence and stupidity? What am I to do when disagreeing with your boss might get you skewered alive?

Hence, this 'false identity' is thereby created out of compulsion, which brings me to my second point.

2. Your mask is your greatest weapon.

By creating this false persona, you offend no one and as such you do not give anyone any reason to pick a bone with you. Furthermore, by never revealing your innermost thoughts about your superiors, no one can use such information against you. As a cordial/warm/friendly individual who everyone loves, you can hide in plain sight - no one will know your real motives, because they think you're already being honest and open and genuine with them!

3. If someone does something bad to you, record it down immediately.

Sadly, every office comes with a Queen Bitch and a King Dick. It isn't going to be all smooth-sailing. But fear not! Although there may not be ways to circumvent the fuckery, there are defence measures you can undertake. No matter how unjustified, always keep your cool so that you will perennially be the level-headed and rational one in the 'discussion' or argument. Being understanding always gives you the upper hand. After you've 'settled' the beef, record the altercation down somewhere, as accurately and as cogently as possible. A fucker is likely to fuck with you again, so repeat the process if needed. Collect an entire word document's worth of his/her bullshit, and when the opportune moment comes? Release the information to the world and justice shall be served on a silver platter.

4. If you sadly have to work over time at home, tell your superiors right-away.

This way, you will be fully compensated for your hard work and additional duties. This way, the full number of hours of additional work can be proven precisely! If you only inform of them of your extraneous duties at the end of the tenure, employers would be extremely unwilling to help you or would give you a half-hearted compensation.

In my case it wasn't even half-hearted, it was tenth-hearted. Hooray for child labour, it makes the world go round.

5. Search for interesting lunch options and find a lunch buddy.

I am not going to lie - office mornings are extremely dreary. When the lunch hour comes I can smell the excitement in the air, because it means a precious one to two hours of liberation. Therefore, you should use this magic hour well. Do not squander it on buying the same food every other day, unless you are truly a boring creature of habit. Try new stalls, try new food and these new experiences are likely to brighten up your day.

They say joy is meant to be shared, so find a foodie with similar tastes to come along with you. I believe that good conversation coupled with good food is a slice of heaven, and is something most decent folks deserve.

In the words of tumblr, TREAT YO'SELF.

6. Technology is your best friend.

This point is especially true for people in temporary jobs that involve simple and fucking mundane administrative tasks such as photocopying and spam sending emails. While waiting for 10,000 copies of the same document to be printed, just whip out your phone and be entertained immediately. Go have a laugh on tumblr, admire pretty pictures on Instagram or even better, talk to your friends who are working as well! There is nothing more compelling than shared misery and you can give one another the camaraderie we all need for the day.

7. Don't be an ass.

I know to some this might contradict the first point, because isn't one already being an asshole by being 'fake'? Well, I personally believe that acting differently from usual is a survival instinct and can be excused. Honesty may not be the best policy, and in fact might get you into deep trouble, a la Ned Stark in Game of Thrones. What I mean here is that one should not jeopardise colleagues who have not offended you in any way, or be unhelpful when they are blatantly seeking the aid of others. From my experience, people in the office who are socially unaware and selfish made my day worse and I hated them with great vitriol. So yes, don't be an ass!

"The moon, the stars, are nothing without you"

I apologise that close to a decade has passed since my last ('emo') post, due to my multiple existential crises. Since my mother has finally shut up over my disappointing and disgusting A level grades, it's time for me to introduce one of my favourite new artists.

Enter Sam Smith, R&B wunderkind, white boy with soul!

(Note: The above image is heavily photoshopped and Sam is actually plumper in real life. Here, he looks so different he reminds me of Theo Hutchcraft from Hurts)

It's been so long since a solo male singing act has gripped me to such an extent. When I scroll through my iTunes library, I find it littered with female solo acts, bands...and more bands. The male solo acts comprise the King of Pop Michael Jackson, Kanye West, Drake, Childish Gambino, several more rappers, Justin Timberlake (THE ONE TRUE JUSTIN) and cheesy left-overs from American Idol such as Elliot Yamin (who?), David Archuleta (he should pursue a career as a missionary instead honestly, he'd be more successful that way) and Adam Lambert, who is struggling to hold onto the last vestiges of his waning fame by doing guest stints on Glee and occasionally being on tracks like the admittedly good "Lay Me Down" by Avicii and Niles Rodgers.

(Yes I do acknowledge the last three singers mentioned are actually extremely talented with great voices, but they are undeniably has-beens.)

I can hear some of you calling out to me. But Shu! What about Justin Bieber! And Justin Bieber 2.0, Cody Simpson! Or Justin Bieber 3.0, Austin Mahone! They are male solo acts too!

Well guess what, Justin Bieber can't sing for nuts - just youtube his live performance at the 2012 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. With his incessant panting, he sounded like an obese man who was trying to sing while running up a hill. I suppose you could argue that his dancing is decent at least. But then again we can always find better dancers in Usher and Jason Derulo, or even the woman-beating cad called Chris Brown. Justin is ultimately nothing special to me. Also, considering how he has evolved into a full-blown asshole, I would prefer to avoid him and his music at all costs. Next.

Ah Cody Simpson, dear Cody the wannabe Bieber from down-under. He seems like a sweet kid but he is unfortunately now on Dancing With The Stars. This to me seems like a worst-case scenario/desperado situation to boost his popularity or remain in the public's eye - He needs to remind us he exists! Furthermore, after he debuted with this song in 2010, Cody left me with ringing ears and nightmares, so no thanks mate.

Now ladies and gentlemen, we have our last finalist Mr. Austin Mahone! To give him credit where credit is due, he still looks fresh-faced and wholesome compared to the degenerate the Biebs has transformed himself into. But Mahone's singles don't give me much hope, frankly speaking. C'mon guys, he describes a hot girl to be a "banga banga banga". I appreciate his use of onomatopoeia but what the hell does it even mean? So he thinks girls are similar to gun shots? Or that they should resemble AK407s? Beats me.

After the past 2 years, we finally have an oasis in the wasteland so to speak, coming in the form of Mr Smith. I must admit I initially didn't take much interest in him when I heard him on tracks such as "La La La" by Naughty Boy and "Latch" by Disclosure. I didn't think much of him because I thought his vocals albeit good, lacked personality. Only when a blogger I followed recommended "Nirvana" by him did I realise he didn't just have a good voice, he had a great voice, he had a beautiful voice. Only when one listens to his original songs does one discover his vocal range and depth of emotion.

Sam Smith has a rare, preternatural ability to sing effectively. His vocals are literally dripping and doused with emotion. Although some have criticized him for being 'awkward' and 'lacking charisma', I believe audience members will cease to care the second he opens his mouth and unleashes his angelic voice onto mankind. His voice captivates you and transports you into his psyche - a dark, lonely world filled with regret and unrequited love. Honestly, if you feel nothing while listening to his songs, you have no soul.

Here are my favourite tracks and performances by him:

"Nirvana" by Sam Smith.

The way he nails the chorus gives me chills every time I listen to it.

"Lay Me Down" by Sam Smith, live on SNL.

His falsetto is pitch-perfect. His control is perfect. What more could you want?

"Stay With Me" by Sam Smith.

I read an article which commented that this video was the polar opposite of Pharrell's "Happy", and I thought it was a pretty apt description.

"Money On My Mind" by Sam Smith.

Who says this man can't write something more up-tempo and catchy?

Yes, so I have basically cemented the fact that Sam Smith is a great artist. However, people may wonder if he will end up like three aforementioned American Idol alums - doomed and disappeared into obscurity. As of now, I do not believe this will happen. Firstly, Smith has popularity back home in the UK - he won the 2014 BRIT Critic's Choice Award and BBC's Sound of 2014 poll. "Money On My Mind" also topped the UK Singles Charts. He is clearly well-liked. Secondly, he is cool and credible. He has worked with Disclosure, arguably the hippest new electronic act in the past few years, and the legendary Niles Rodgers, who produced Daft Punk's latest Grammy-winning album, Random Access Memories. Sam Smith is obviously the real thing in a sea of packaged artists. 

If he doesn't blow up or maintain his longevity, I'd be disappointed. This 'male Adele' with his rich voice is a breath of fresh air in the music industry, and I'd want him to stay.