7 Things I've Learned at Work

It's been 7 days since my job (at a yet-to-be-named government firm) ended, and I thought it would nice to be share what I have learned during this perilous and often unpleasant journey.

1. It is impossible to be your 'true self' in the office.

When I first read 'Great Expectations' by Charles Dickens, I initially found the character of Wemmick highly comical and unrealistic. He was someone who acted like a stone-cold bitch at work, and only showed his inner Mother Theresa within the privacy of his own quarters. Wemmick's explanation to Pip (the protagonist of the novel) regarding his unorthodox behaviour was that it was his means of survival. After 3 months of work at that sordid office, I can't agree more with dearest Wemmick.

How you act in the office is basically a projection of how you want your superiors to view you. Unlike Wemmick however, you are nicer than usual, more accommodating, less irritable and the list goes on and on. You are essentially as perfect as you can portray yourself to be.

(In the defence of Wemmick, he had to deal with many criminals and obviously couldn't be kind and compassionate while performing illegal duties.)

Take myself for example. If you are someone close to me, you know that the real me swears like a sailor and speaks candidly about most things. That 'version' of me does not exist within the confines of an office. It has been replaced by an odd doppelgänger who at most says "shit" instead of "fuck", is largely diplomatic and polite to a fault. Friends would laugh upon seeing this version of me. What am I to supposed to do when vulgarity is often assumed to be a mark of incompetence and stupidity? What am I to do when disagreeing with your boss might get you skewered alive?

Hence, this 'false identity' is thereby created out of compulsion, which brings me to my second point.

2. Your mask is your greatest weapon.

By creating this false persona, you offend no one and as such you do not give anyone any reason to pick a bone with you. Furthermore, by never revealing your innermost thoughts about your superiors, no one can use such information against you. As a cordial/warm/friendly individual who everyone loves, you can hide in plain sight - no one will know your real motives, because they think you're already being honest and open and genuine with them!

3. If someone does something bad to you, record it down immediately.

Sadly, every office comes with a Queen Bitch and a King Dick. It isn't going to be all smooth-sailing. But fear not! Although there may not be ways to circumvent the fuckery, there are defence measures you can undertake. No matter how unjustified, always keep your cool so that you will perennially be the level-headed and rational one in the 'discussion' or argument. Being understanding always gives you the upper hand. After you've 'settled' the beef, record the altercation down somewhere, as accurately and as cogently as possible. A fucker is likely to fuck with you again, so repeat the process if needed. Collect an entire word document's worth of his/her bullshit, and when the opportune moment comes? Release the information to the world and justice shall be served on a silver platter.

4. If you sadly have to work over time at home, tell your superiors right-away.

This way, you will be fully compensated for your hard work and additional duties. This way, the full number of hours of additional work can be proven precisely! If you only inform of them of your extraneous duties at the end of the tenure, employers would be extremely unwilling to help you or would give you a half-hearted compensation.

In my case it wasn't even half-hearted, it was tenth-hearted. Hooray for child labour, it makes the world go round.

5. Search for interesting lunch options and find a lunch buddy.

I am not going to lie - office mornings are extremely dreary. When the lunch hour comes I can smell the excitement in the air, because it means a precious one to two hours of liberation. Therefore, you should use this magic hour well. Do not squander it on buying the same food every other day, unless you are truly a boring creature of habit. Try new stalls, try new food and these new experiences are likely to brighten up your day.

They say joy is meant to be shared, so find a foodie with similar tastes to come along with you. I believe that good conversation coupled with good food is a slice of heaven, and is something most decent folks deserve.

In the words of tumblr, TREAT YO'SELF.

6. Technology is your best friend.

This point is especially true for people in temporary jobs that involve simple and fucking mundane administrative tasks such as photocopying and spam sending emails. While waiting for 10,000 copies of the same document to be printed, just whip out your phone and be entertained immediately. Go have a laugh on tumblr, admire pretty pictures on Instagram or even better, talk to your friends who are working as well! There is nothing more compelling than shared misery and you can give one another the camaraderie we all need for the day.

7. Don't be an ass.

I know to some this might contradict the first point, because isn't one already being an asshole by being 'fake'? Well, I personally believe that acting differently from usual is a survival instinct and can be excused. Honesty may not be the best policy, and in fact might get you into deep trouble, a la Ned Stark in Game of Thrones. What I mean here is that one should not jeopardise colleagues who have not offended you in any way, or be unhelpful when they are blatantly seeking the aid of others. From my experience, people in the office who are socially unaware and selfish made my day worse and I hated them with great vitriol. So yes, don't be an ass!