Running On Empty

Time will tell if you can figure this and work it out No one's waiting for you anyway so don't be stressed now Even if it's something that you've had your eye on, it is what it is. 

I suppose this magical composition by Blood Orange is one of the few things I can find solace it. Its lyrics give me comfort even though I hardly heed them.

It's honestly painful to keep on living, dragged on by obligation, duty and responsibility. I feel like I am standing on a precipice, ever-ready to free-fall and let the currents take me and rip my body to shreds. In some ways, it's so much easier that way. You're finally cut loose from all the bullshit and skullduggery that ties you down. Best of all, it'll be the ultimate 'FUCK YOU' to my mother - emblazoned in red if I choose to let rivers of crimson flow from my wrists, or enveloped by the stench of decay if she sees my body in a black zip-up bag.

But I am a coward, I doubt I'll ever do it.

Seeing the counsellor today made me realise my happiness in this world is a superficial one, one that is triggered by titillations and silly happenings that distract me for a fleeting moment. My toxic nuclear family is busy plying the ball, playing weird psychosocial games and acting normal when we are far from it. I suppose we do love each other in this twisted way that oscillates between a sorry excuse for fondness and cold-hard hatred.

We are a trio of hypocrites, cut-throats and hypersensitive idiots. It'd be nice for someone to truly love me and free me from this 21st Century dungeon.

But this is reality, where Prince Charmings on white horses don't exist. I'd probably have to claw my way out from the pits of hell for my liberty.

Just, fuck it all.

Under Your Spell

It's late and my mind is a mess and I end up always wanting what I can't have.

Things would be so much less confusing if you weren't this nice to me.

It's sickening how my life is turning into a cliche.

Maybe it's true that people say there is always a first time for everything.

But why this, of all poisons between the devil and the deep blue sea?

girls, girls, boys

Sometimes I just wonder what led to the unnecessary habit of placing platonic relationships between two people of the opposite sex under a romantic or sexual lens. It seems that in the eyes of society, a man and a woman simply can't be 'best friends' - they have to be soul mates of a romantic nature or worse still, having an affair when one or both of them are romantically or sexually involved with another. I still remember going to eat dessert with a good friend who told me to speak softly while discussing matters about his girlfriend, fearing that the other patrons in the restaurant would view us in a negative light. More recently, another good friend of mine got into an argument with his girlfriend because she was suspicious of me and viewed me as a romantic rival when I was simply texting him about academic matters without any prior knowledge that he was on a date. 

People keep chanting that mantra about how one should ignore what the rest of the world thinks and live for oneself, but it is getting increasingly more difficult to do so once altercations occur. They make things real and tangible and rooted in reality. Honestly, who the hell wants to be indirectly, or even directly, responsible for a break-up? It is true that the actions of Man will result in consequences and ripple effects a higher power is only able to control, and it is because of this biased and archaic view of male-female relations that I normally refrain from physical contact with other gender. Two days ago I met one of my best friends from junior college (who just so happens to be a guy), and as he sent me off at the bus stop, we awkwardly patted each other's back in a sign of solidarity and an indicator of purely platonic affection.Now, I wonder if it would have been more natural for me to have just given him a great big hug instead, screw the judgy public.

Ultimately, the only way for this whole issue to be eradicated is for society to change and become more open-minded. But who am I kidding. This is Singapore, where a storybook about two penguins ends up being placed in the adult section of the library. Not in a million years. 

this is how it starts

Ever since I chanced upon them on Spotify back in June 2013, I fell in love instantaneously. The second I heard the sweet highs of singles such as "Sex" and "Chocolate", I was sold by their songs that were paradoxically crystal-clear yet layered. I guess my love for them also deepened over the A level period because they gave me a phenomenal L.P. to listen to as I studied for that arduous exam. 

I still remember when I was checking my Twitter feed and the Straits Times informed me they were coming. A sort of euphoria washed over me even though my instincts told me they would drop by soon (they went to Manila for fuck's sake!). 24 hours after the gig, I'm happy to note that it was everything I wished for and more.

Firstly let me state that one must not be tricked by the live recordings available on YouTube, especially the one of their Coachella performance. Somehow the sound was distorted and they sounded much worse compared to the real thing. I was initially worried about the quality of Matt Healy's (the lead singer) voice because it was getting a bit strained after extensive touring, and perhaps exacerbated by his smoking. And yet he delivered, sounding every bit as good he did on the album.

More significantly, he pulled off a feat I never thought imaginable: He sung and smoked at the same time. I don't know how he pulled it off while looking like a rock god and without coming off as a douche, but he did. For the rest of the performance he interacted well with the crowd, bantering with us about the heat and even going the extra mile to care about the audience's welfare. Honestly, this was the first time I've witnessed a musician inform the concert staff to provide water for his audience, and it was also the first time I've seen a musician ensure that all his devotees had sufficient breathing space despite the packed and downright shitty/insulting/suffocating venue. Prior to this I had read fan accounts about how compassionate and caring Matty was towards their fans, and I felt lucky enough to have seen it for myself. 

His kindness aside, seeing Matty do his signature hair flips and witnessing his louche, sensual charisma at work was another sight to behold. Everyone - girl, boy, man, woman - was enthralled, lapping up every word he spoke and screaming whenever he did a body wave or a little prance on stage. Every camera around was directed at him, recording every antic he did. In short, everybody fell down the rabbit hole of Healy-dom last night. Singapore could have possibly heralded a new rock icon of the modern age, and we knew it. I for one thought I had already reached the apex of my obsession with Mr. Healy, but it simply multiplied ten and twenty-fold after the performance. Go on, shoot me for being a fan girl. 

This is not to say the others were not excellent. Guitarist Adam Hann, Bassist Ross MacDonald and drummer George Daniel were also on-point, delivering their signature 80's-tinged sound with much skill and panache. Hann and MacDonald were incredible switching from their instruments to the soundpads and keyboards seamlessly mid-song, never missing a beat. Daniel was also sensational, drumming with much gusto despite melting in the unforgiving heat and humidity. Sonically, they were amazing, the music crystal clear without any slip-ups and the songs effortlessly segueing one into another. 

It was certainly a fantastic gig and a night to remember. Matty made a promise to be back, and I hope he'll hold onto it. 

we exist

It pains me to acknowledge that the most serious of my familial conflicts are sparked off by national exams. Since when was learning meant to be a source of great pain?

In less poetic terms, fuck my parents.

20th Century Boy

Sometimes I wonder if I would still love you platonically if you were 10 years younger.

Would I treasure our conversations at 2am in a different way? Would I be even more unhinged by your silence? Would people stare at us less when we are together? Occasionally I can almost see their foreheads knot in confusion as they pick away at us like vultures, determined to extract the root of our relationship. It's sad how they'll never be able to see the way our minds meld as one.

I honestly dislike who you are with. I feel she doesn't deserve you, with all your kindness and patience. I wonder if she can make you happy, and something tells me she can't.

Too bad I'm 10 years too young, and you're 10 years too old.

Unfold

When you have nothing to do, time slips through your fingers like sand and your mind is set adrift. I remember sitting on the coach when I was on holiday, looking at the trees and houses flashing by. There's nothing much you can do on a cross-country drive that lasts several hours at a time, except think about everything.

It's toxic the way things that happened months ago still bother me. Ironically, thinking and doing nothing has somehow inadvertently allowed these terrible emotions and thoughts of mine to be dredged up. My Dad told me he's sick of my whining, and I know that. I'm sick of it myself. I try to vanquish these thoughts away but they end up flooding back whenever my Mum says something horrid and hurtful, unleashing all this negativity within me once more.

It's like a spider within my brain, tapping and prodding me occasionally, when the moment counts.

I'm so frightened, and my parents think I'm a disappointment, so what the fuck do I do now?